A Walking Question Mark

Last week I wrote about becoming. This week, I’m realizing I’m still figuring it out.

I think the older I get, the more pressure I put on myself. I keep thinking I should have more answers by now, more certainty, more direction. But if I’m honest… I’m still so very confused.

Sometimes it feels like I’m just existing in the in-between.

I’m not happy.

I’m not sad.

I’m not angry.

I’m just… here.

Who even am I?

It’s a question I find myself asking more often than I’d like to admit.

I’ve peeled back so many layers of myself already, yet somehow I know there are still so many more waiting beneath the surface. Some days everything makes sense, and those are the days that make me feel so alive. But the days when I’m a literal walking question mark… I think those are the days that matter most.

Those are the days I have to choose to keep going.

Those are the days I find myself having the longest conversations with God, asking Him for a sign, for clarity, for peace, for anything that reminds me I’m moving in the right direction. Maybe faith isn’t always about having the answers. Maybe it’s trusting that even when I can’t see who I’m becoming, God already can. So for now, I’ll keep taking it one day at a time. I’ll keep making the best decisions I can with what I know today. And maybe that’s enough.

Maybe this season isn’t about arriving.

Maybe it’s simply about learning how to exist in between versions of myself.

—Tatiyana